Belittling

 

Jefferson Fisher explores effective communication strategies for managing difficult interactions, including belittling comments and strong personalities. Learn how to decode underlying intent, regulate emotional responses, and establish firm boundaries to maintain personal peace without engaging in unnecessary conflict.

Jefferson Fisher olyan hatékony kommunikációs stratégiákat tár fel, amelyekkel kezelni lehet a nehéz interakciókat, beleértve a lekicsinylő megjegyzéseket és az erős személyiségeket is. Ismerje meg, hogyan lehet megfejteni a háttérben rejlő szándékot, szabályozni az érzelmi reakciókat, és határozott határokat felállítani annak érdekében, hogy megőrizze a belső nyugalmát anélkül, hogy felesleges konfliktusokba keveredne.

A belittling comment from someone is never about you. It's about them. Today

in this episode, we are diving deep on the hidden meaning of belittling comments and asking the question, what

do they really mean and how do we handle them? All that and more coming up. When

somebody makes a belittling comment to you, how do you react? What I'm hoping

is that by the end of this episode that answer changes or at least you see a little bit more into the below the

surface of what's happening between you and the person who's making that comment. The belittling comment, like I

said at the beginning, is not about you. It's about them. Number one, when

somebody gives you a belittling comment, meaning something that's mean, rude, meant to make you feel little, to be

little, it is under no uncertain terms a

grasp at maintaining hierarchy. In other words, it's an assertion of dominance.

The word belittle, right, to to make you feel small, is to then make themselves

feel big. And in process of that and as a result of

that you have this levels this system of

here they are now they've created a hierarchy in which they're on top and you are below. That's how you feel with

a bully right think of grade school think of junior high school wherever it

is maybe in work even now as an adult you have somebody who's a bully personality where do they picture

themselves in that hierarchy. Bullies never think that they're lower than you. They think they're above everybody. Give

me your lunch money. I have this spot. This is mine. That's mine now. I am the

one on top of the hierarchy. You must all now serve me. Belittling comments

are a grab for hierarchy. So that's why often when people feel the most

insecure, they have to reach for outside things, right? to have that inner that inner

sense of that ability to live with themselves because they don't have that

in inner security. So they have to have that outer grab for it. And where we

hear that a lot of the times is that reach for hierarchy and dominance and saying mean things to make you feel

less. Now let me put this in a a different view. Belittling comments are

not always ones that are direct. Have you ever had somebody give you a

belittling comment that you realized maybe a few minutes or an hour later of

like I don't think that was a compliment. You know what? I don't I don't think they really meant that. I

think that was a slight. Beling comments are not always direct. They can very much be indirect and still it is a grab

for hierarchy. So number one, what I want you to realize when somebody's giving you that kind of comment on the

offensive is see it for what it is and it is a grab for hierarchy. Number two,

the best way to deal with that grab for hierarchy is to not take it personal by

decoding the intent. Decoding the intent. In other words, rather than

trying to [snorts] see it in this glossy magazine style form, understand that

there's hieroglyphics to it. In other words, there's this secret language that they're not giving you. So, when

somebody's saying something ugly, the best way to to decode it is to use

questions that look for the intent of what they're saying. I teach that the

best way you can do this, and I have this all throughout my book, um, The Next Conversation, is that you use

questions rather than responses when somebody's giving you something belittling.

Not only because you're trying to get to the intent, but because you are trying to get them to see the intent. So, let's

assume you said something ugly to me right now. Go ahead, think of something ugly. Oh, that hurt my feelings. I'm

kidding. If you had said something ugly to me and my question to you after giving you

a pause was, "Did you mean to hurt my feelings?"

What does that do? What does that do? It immediately gets to the the intent, the

purpose, the motive. That's what you're looking for. If you said something mean

to me and I went, "Excuse me, me? let me let me tell you something about you and just send it right back to you and now

I'm having that that grab for hierarchy. Oh, you think you're this? I I don't

know if you know who you're talking to. Maybe I need to remind you who I am. And you try to bow up. You try to get

bigger. What is that? That is hierarchy grab. That is dominance. That is I am

the king of the mountain here. I'm the the superior one. and that almost always

goes south and you never get the true motive. Instead, you're the one who has to live with that and have to now um

live with that regret and the wonder of what could have been had you not reacted so violently to it. And I don't mean

physically, I mean with your with your words and you send it right back to him. But if I were to say, "Did you mean for

that to offend me? Did you mean for that to embarrass me? Did you say that so

that I would get uncomfortable?" You hear how me asking a question and trying to get to the intent

shuts shuts it all down and now puts it all back on you, the person who said the mean thing. They go, "I don't I don't

know. Maybe the spotlight is now back on you. Maybe it feels a little awkward. Maybe it all of a sudden just doesn't

feel fun anymore because now you're going, "This is not what I thought this person would say." When you decode the

intent, what it does is help you realize that it has nothing to do with you.

They're just in a bad mood. Maybe they're feeling insecure, or maybe they're having um feeling like their job

is insignificant, or maybe they're jealous and things that have nothing to do with you whatsoever.

And by looking to the intent, it is now you naturally go up in the hierarchy without

doing anything whatsoever. That is control. That is the genuine kind of

authentic power of using your words to stand your ground. In other words, it

naturally does that of a progression in the communication, not by trying to

assert it. You feel the difference? So when you ask the question, did you mean did you mean for that to upset me? Did

you mean? Did you intend? Was the purpose of you saying that to do

X, Y, and Z? Whenever you're able to ask those questions, you decode the intent

for a better conversation. And for sure, if not a better conversation, to stand

your ground and feel more confident and feel more controlled. And that right there is a lot to be proud of. And

number three, understand that belittling comments at the very outset, we ask the

question of what do they mean? What do they really mean? You know this, they're

a projection of insecurity. Almost always somebody is projecting how

they feel onto you. So, not only are you looking for intent, part of that is

you're starting to look at, oh, this is how they feel about themselves. If they're judgmental about what you're

wearing or how you are looking, you can be rest assured they are all the

more critical and insecure about how they look and they would much rather call attention to you than to them. If

somebody is putting down your intelligence in some way, one, that's a

sign of somebody not being intelligent. That's somebody who's being emotionally immature, who lacks that emotional int

intelligence. And so to make it up, they have to poke fun at your intelligence or

your significance or how much you're worth in your job and who's more important. I feel like a lot of

struggles between married couples, between um relationships and friendships

and at work especially, it is a dominance of whose job is more important. whose job is more important

and that breeds a lot of insecurity between both people and so you'll hear comments where somebody's trying to put

down your job or I mean you just have to go to that meeting. I mean, but that's not even that. And they'll put it down because there is an actual insecurity of

how they're feeling in that moment of whether or not they even matter or do they even feel authentic to themselves.

And it it is it is natural and normal and we are all capable of giving

belittling comments. I don't want you to feel like belittling comments just come from these unknown. It it always comes

from them. We have them too. All right? We have them too. And why? because we know deep down if we have to go through

the layers and are actually honest with ourselves is because deep down we have a insecurity that we're masking to. So as

part of decoding the intent, understand that it is simply a projection of how

they are feeling. And that helps inform you that helps inform you of what's

happening in that moment. And that is it. It is a grab for dominance. And your

best move is to not retaliate, not respond, and use a question that goes to

the intent that's going to give you the level of consciousness that you did not

have before and see that, oh, this is simply a projection. And now I'm looking

at the intent. This is a projection of that they're feeling. And now we're at the full circle is it's not about you,

it's about them. All right? So number one, understand it's a power grab. It's

an assertion of dominance and hierarchy. Number two, what you want to do is use

intent, questions of intent to decode what's happening. And it takes away that personal feeling and effect from you.

And number three, it is simply a projection of their own insecurity, which helps inform you where you truly

stand. And if you are listening to this podcast and go, you know what, the next time I get a belint comment, I'm not

going to respond. I'm going to stay still. I'm going to control myself. I'm going to stay regulated. I'm going to use a question of intent to find out

what they really mean. And you know, you might be asking, "Well, Jefferson, what if they say yes?" If I say, "Do did you

mean for to embarrass me?" And they say yes. Your response is good to know. And

act like it doesn't bother you at all because it shouldn't. It shouldn't. It's going to be let that weight be carried

with them. They're the ones that are going to have to live with that that yes and deal with those emotions that they

have to carry. Eventually, they're going to have to process that sometime in their life. Don't put that. Don't Don't

you carry that. Most of the time people say no. They adjust. They walk it back.

They feel awkward. They apologize. They feel sheepish. That right there

naturally adjusts the control in the right way. We all know one, and in fact,

we might just be one ourselves.